How to be Spiritual

Religion and spirituality are explosive and highly political topics (especially at the moment), and a lot of emotion gets attached to them. This post isn’t about trying to argue you into affiliating with a particular label, though. Instead, I’d like to zoom out and look at how religion and spirituality in general interact with people’s actions and emotions, and then zoom in to some open questions for you about how that might apply in your life.

I’ve been doing occasional posts lately based on ideas in Peterson’s A Primer in Positive Psychology, and this is another. It’s based on his chapter on institutions which enable positive psychological outcomes.

Extrinsic and intrinsic religiousity

In that chapter, he mentions the key distinction drawn by Gordon Allport back in 1950 between “extrinsic religiosity” and “intrinsic religiosity”. Extrinsic religiosity is most simply defined as religion used as a means to other ends (money, power, social status, security, belonging), while intrinsic religiosity is religion as an end in itself.

A few years later, Allport and his colleagues tried measuring these two orientations (Allport & Ross, 1967). It’s often reported that they found that extrinsically religious people were most likely to be prejudiced, but what’s less well-known is their other finding: intrinsically religious people were least likely to be prejudiced.   This is still the case 45 years later.

Now, obviously in late-1960s America the people they were surveying were primarily Christians, and we can’t automatically generalize to other religions or other countries based on that evidence. What I would argue, though, is that every major religion (that is, every religion which is important enough in a society that belonging to it potentially brings external benefits) will end up having an extrinsic and an intrinsic form, just because humans are the way we are.

Let’s take Islam and Buddhism, which in the west, at least, have opposite reputations. Within Islam, the various Sufi movements have worked and still work for peace, tolerance and inclusiveness, while in Sri Lanka, for example, the name of Buddhism has been used to justify persecution and repression.

Every religion has its two sides. There are people for whom religion is a club (in both senses: a group to socialize in and something to hit people with), and people for whom it is the way by which they express, and reinforce, their highest positive values.

Two sides? Or two ends of a spectrum? I believe it’s the latter. I know for a fact (from personal contact) that there are people who have thoroughly internalized their religion in their day-to-day behaviour,  who are kind, generous and loving people, and yet will express political views that contradict their personal character because those are the views of their religious institution.

Benefits of religion

And regardless of your internalized commitment or otherwise to the basic teachings of your religion, there are advantages to belonging to a religious group. Young people who are involved with formal religion show, on average, greater emotional self-regulation, less aggression, better academic performance and less likelihood to use drugs and alcohol, and delay their sexual involvement. Adults involved in religion show similar results and also are individually happier and have greater family wellbeing. Religious people are more likely to volunteer in their community, and faith-based organizations are effective in providing social and community services.

This is not to say, of course, that nonreligious people are never like this. Many are, including some who specifically reject supernatural beliefs of any kind. But before we generalize the excesses and failings of televangelists, bigots and know-nothings who loudly proclaim their affiliation to religion, let’s consider that they may not be representative of religion as a whole.

To consider only Christianity, certainly it produced the Crusades and the Inquisition. There’s a long history of institutional Christianity accumulating, defending and abusing wealth, power and privelege. But it also produced dedicated campaigners against slavery and child labour, and for women’s suffrage, workers’ rights, racial equality, peace between nations and universal education – campaigners who were motivated by their faith. To look at only one of these two sides (either one) is to walk around with one eye closed.

Happy V-Day!
Markus Bollingmo / Foter

Spirituality

But what if formal, organized religion isn’t for you, for whatever reason?

Spirituality has become a popular term for the specifically non-institutional and mostly non-dogmatic aspects of faith. Disillusionment with the externals of religion, with the organizations and the people who organize them, has led to a form of faith that takes away those aspects and keeps what is personally meaningful.

I’m someone who has continued, however tenuously, to connect to a faith tradition. Having been burned by religious institutions myself, I can fully appreciate why people leave them entirely, and I think that can be the right decision. To me, though, connection to a tradition with depth in time and breadth across a connected community still has value. It provides a centre and a grounding that can easily be missing from a personal spirituality. At its worst, “spirituality” becomes rootless, a drifting from one experience to another, and because there is nothing making people stay and do the hard work – because there’s nothing to push against – it can end up in a different kind of superficiality and become a way of avoiding growth.

Of course, any setting can provide that. I can hide from growth behind religious jargon and institutional involvement just as easily. But because one of the rules of the new spirituality is that you never criticize how someone is doing it, avoidance of growth is one of the big risks.

Questions and exercises

I’ve been saying a lot of theoretical stuff. Let’s move from the theoretical to the practical and personal.

If you’re a member of a faith tradition:

  • What can you find within your tradition – what practices, what approaches, what methods if you like – to strengthen the force of the core teachings of that tradition in your day-to-day life? Do you chant, meditate, pray, perform physical movements, do something every day that connects you to the heart of your faith?
  • In what ways do your faith tradition’s institutions currently accumulate, defend and abuse wealth and power? Can you do anything about that?
  • What can you learn from talking respectfully and curiously to people in faith traditions other than your own, or to people who have a non-religious spirituality, or to people who explicitly have no faith but practice love and compassion towards others? In what ways are they your cousins and fellow-travelers? Could any of their practices or ways of thinking about things be helpful to you?

If you are “spiritual but not religious”:

  • Is there a regular practice that you have that challenges and changes you, that you stick with even when it’s hard, that doesn’t let you take the easy way out and hang on to your issues? Can you work with someone else – perhaps even someone from a faith tradition – who will be hard on you and not let you avoid growth?
  • Chances are that your spirituality is something you have a hard time putting into words. Have a go anyway, recognizing that the words are provisional and inadequate, but that you may gain clarity and insight from them regardless. Try to use your own words, not somebody else’s.
  • Talk respectfully and curiously to someone who is intrinsically religious and involved in their faith tradition about what that’s like and why they value it, and to someone who is a “good person” but doesn’t hold any supernatural beliefs about why they feel and act as they do. See what you can learn from them.

If you are not a person of faith, but hold strong personal values:

  • Are there any practices which might help to strengthen your ability to work out your values in your daily life? What might such practices look like?
  • Read about the lives of people of faith who worked for causes you believe in: William Wilberforce, Kate Shepard, Florence Nightingale, Helen Keller, Dorothy Day. Reflect on what motivated them and how.
  • Talk respectfully and curiously to people of faith and to people who hold spiritual beliefs but are not involved in formal religion. Ask yourself and them what they are gaining from their beliefs.

I welcome comments, of course, especially if you’ve done any of the above and want to report on how it went.

How to be Happy

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How to Enjoy Life

I’m sitting here on my deck, in the sun, with my cats, listening to the birds. It’s my birthday. I’m 45.

And I’m thinking about my life up to this point, as you do. It’s been fun.

Certainly not always, or I wouldn’t have learned as much as I have. But there have been a lot of good times.

Part of that, I think, is that I’ve had a lot of different experiences and been exposed to a lot of new things. One of the reasons that novelists often get seriously started in their 40s is that by your 40s you have a lot more to draw on, a lot more to write about.

In his book The Deeper Meaning of Liff, Douglas Adams gave us the word “pulverbatch”, meaning that list of odd jobs and experiences that a writer traditionally gives on the back flap of the book. Why was that even something he could point to and have people nod and smile in recognition? It’s because having diverse and unusual experiences makes you more creative and more interesting.

Now, I’m not a physically adventurous person. I don’t bungee jump or climb mountains. But adventure is where you find it.

I’ve been fortunate to have a series of day jobs that exposed me to interesting people, places and things. (The jobs themselves weren’t always interesting, but very few jobs are interesting all the time.)

My first career was as a freelance writer and book editor (eventually, in-house for a large publisher). I did mostly nonfiction projects, and learned about wine, travel, gardening, famous people, fishing and cooking, which are some of the most popular nonfiction topics. Except for the fishing and the famous people, I became interested in those things too, and they added to my enjoyment of life.

My next career was as a technical writer and, eventually, corporate trainer. Writing manuals and training material sounds dull, and it can be, but I got to travel to remote parts of the country, live amid beautiful mountains or natural hot springs at someone else’s expense, and visit giant hydro dams, sawmills and paper factories. I worked on revising the national manual for probation officers, and learned about the law and the people who deal with those who break it. It was fascinating.

Martin F
Life As Art / Foter

I’ll always remember standing in a sawmill in a hard hat and high-visibility vest and thinking, “So this is where a master’s degree in English gets you!”

I even got to go to Malaysia to help my contracting company bid for some work there, and spent a wonderful week eating every kind of Asian food imaginable.

You get to understand a system pretty well when you spend a couple of years documenting it and training it, and in early 2000 I took a job as a systems analyst, and eventually an IT consultant. It’s taken me to more sawmills and paper mills and forests, a coal-fired power generating plant in Australia, a fertilizer factory, treatment plants for drinking water and wastewater, and most recently behind the scenes of the city where I live.

I’ve had the chance to talk with, and work alongside, the dedicated, unsung people who keep a modern society functioning in unglamorous but indispensable ways. I’ve been places that few people get to go. (And I’ve been well paid for it.)

None of that was planned. I never sat down and made a bucket list that said “Visit a hydro dam, learn about the ins and outs of keeping city parks running, and eat sushi in Kuala Lumpur”. But just by hanging loose and taking the opportunities that came to me, I got to do all those things.

It’s made for an interesting life, so far. It’s given me a depth of background for my fiction writing that you’d be hard put to achieve through any kind of curriculum. I say this as a devoted reader: I’m glad to have learned so much that isn’t in any book and never will be.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting here very often lately. I used to post once a week, and now it’s been six weeks or so between posts. That’s because at the moment I’m letting myself follow my interests, rather than flogging myself to produce a bunch of content that means nothing just because I feel like I have to. (Or worse still, filling up the silence with poorly-written guest posts.)

I’m in a fiction writing phase at the moment. I think it might last a while, but I try not to predict these things.

When I have something to say about personal development, this is where I’ll say it. It’s not impossible that I’ll come back and post regularly again here in due course, but for now, enjoy the archives, take a look at the resources page if you haven’t lately, and think about this:

What is there in your life that you can look back on and think, “I’m really glad I had that experience”?

How to be Happy

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How to Live Out Your Values

One of the things that leads to life satisfaction is living in line with our values – doing things that we believe are good and valuable things to do.

So how might we do that more?

I’m still slowly making my way through Peterson’s A Primer in Positive Psychology, and I’m up to the chapter on Values, where he summarizes some of his own research on the circumstances in which our beliefs are most likely to be reflected in our actions. For today’s post, I want to go through some of these and suggest how we can cultivate those circumstances in order to live more authentically and congruently.

1. Acquire your values for yourself

It’s not a huge surprise that Peterson found values we acquire through direct experience are more consistent with our behaviour than ones we got second-hand, as it were – from our parents, the religion we were raised in or our culture in general.

Second-hand values, by the nature of how we got them, can often stay in our heads rather than getting all the way out into our lives. Values we acquired for ourselves, though, inherently came out of our life circumstances rather than an abstract system of philosophy, so they’re already connected to what we do.

I’m going to give a paradoxical-sounding piece of advice here. If you have values that you know are more in your head than in your heart, that came from your upbringing, go out and try to act on them. You’ll learn something that way about what it’s like to live those values, and whether they’re congruent with who you are.

If they are congruent, you’ll have taken a step towards living out your professed beliefs. And if they’re not, you’ll discover more about what your actual values are.

To give you an example, when I was a young man I converted to evangelical Christianity through the encouragement of my two closest friends. A number of years later, one of those friends, who had, in the meantime, left his faith, told me and our other friend that he was gay.

Now, we’d known him for more than half our lives at this point, and cared about him very much. We weren’t going to reject him as a person, no matter what our pastors said about homosexuality. For me, that conversation was a step on a path to quite a different kind of faith more congruent with my experience of real people, whereas for our other friend it was a trigger for him to realise that the faith he’d been raised in and the person that he was were too far apart to stay together any more.

(I didn’t say it was a safe, easy thing to do.)

 

2. Incorporate your values into your image of yourself

We live out values that help to define our self-image. If it’s very important to you that you’re a kind person, it’s much more likely that you’ll act kindly than if you just think kindness is important for people in general.

One good way to work this is to take a test that clarifies what your most important values are (such as Douglas Wagoner’s values test), and then make some statements, aloud, about the top few results. “Being a _______ person is important to me” is a good format for these statements.

You could write the statements out, too, and put them up where you can see them.

3. Be self-aware about your values and behaviour

Reflect on how to live out your values
Fenanov / Foter

Reflecting on your values before acting “primes” you to act consistently with those values. If you don’t think about what you’re doing, you’re likely to act, instead, out of expected social scripts.

The exercise above should help with this, too.

4. Place yourself in circumstances where you’re expected to act out the value

Peterson notes that if there’s a strong norm about the particular behaviour you’re contemplating, that norm will exert more influence on your behaviour than your value will. For example, if you have a value of helping people but there’s a strong norm in your culture about not stepping forward or “interfering” in the affairs of a stranger, you may hesitate to come to the aid of someone you don’t know.

To me, this says that you need to find an environment filled with people who share your values, where the norms are to live out those values. As long as you live in an environment where the dominant norms prevent you behaving in ways that reflect your values, you will be incongruent and, therefore, internally conflicted and unhappy. Particularly if you’re self-aware.

5. Be specific about your values

If your values are very abstract, they’re less likely to connect to specific behaviours. This is fairly obvious. Peterson’s example is that having a general value about beauty is less likely to make you recycle than if your value is more specifically about recycling.

If you’ve been through Wagoner’s test, you’ll have whittled down more specific values to a general one that is most important to you. For example, on the first page of his test I had a clump of values about intelligence, wisdom, insightfulness, perceptiveness, clearheadedness, reason and the like, which I later boiled down to one or two words.

If you’ve done that, turn around and reverse the process. What does a value of wisdom mean to you? It’s a lot easier to imagine acting perceptively or acting insightfully than it is to imagine acting wisely, simply because the words are more specific.

How to live out your values

Living in accordance with your values is very freeing, though also courageous. It will mean going against what people around you are doing some of the time, against your own desires some of the time, and certainly against the desires and expectations of other people some of the time.

Being aware of your values, making them your own, making them part of your identity, being specific about them and looking for contexts which encourage you to act on them will help you to live congruently and with integrity.

How to be Happy

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